Adah's Blog

to believe, or not to believe that is the question...

these past couple of weeks have been a living hell for me! so much has happened and my life has changed in soooooo many ways. i don't even know where to begin. should i start from the beginning or jump right into the ending and bring it back to start of all things? it would make sense to tell the whole story from the beginning, but my mind is sooooo far gone that i can't even align my thoughts in a straight enough line. everything is a jumble and nothing seems to make sense. ever since wednesday, i can't comprehend a damn thing! i can't even seem to understand myself anymore. who is ebonni victoria? the answer to that question is lost even to me. i've lost myself, and no matter how hard i try to dust myself off and try again... each time i fail to succeed in finding who and what the hell i'm living for. i use to know. but now, i don't know much about anything anymore.

i've recently had to make an extremely hard life changing decision that will forever have a negative impact on me. on wednesday, july 23rd, 2008... i had to give up the life of another. the life of my first child.

they say that you should never have any regrets in life, because each and every experience is a learning experience, and i've always stood by that. i never regretted anything that has happened in my life. i saw regrets as a waste of time, and i believed that they stunted the growth of the wisdom and knowledge that life has to offer. we live, we learn, and we laugh! that's life. the decision to abort my baby, is one regret that i have in life. and it is a regret that i will never be able to just shake off and move on from.

i've never been an advocate for abortions, and even though i have been through one... i'm still not an abortion advocate. i could never see myself ever being able to go through such a thing. now, i see myself as a hypocrite and i haven't been able to look at myself the same since.

i've tried to reason with myself that it was best for the baby, but no matter how much i tried to convince myself otherwise, i still feel unsure of my decision. i mean, what's to be unsure about? i already made up my mind, so the decision was made and i went though with it... but i'm still not completely sure that the decision that i made was "my" decision, and now i fear that i have made one of the biggest mistakes of my life.

if you read my last post, then you should know my reasonings for deciding to go through with the abortion. they all seem like plausible reasons, and i made a choice based on what i thought would be best for my child. all any mother ever wants is the best for her children, and even though i'm not a "mother", is it so wrong of me to want the same thing?

when i found out that i was pregnant, i had it already made up in my mind that i was going to keep the baby. most girls in my situation would not be all to thrilled of having received news of a pregnancy that they weren't even prepared for, but (as odd as this may sound) i was happy. c.j. was happy too. it was an unexpected surprise for the both of us (it truly was an unexpected surprise!). that happiness quickly faded when the news got around to my mother. she already had it made up in her mind that i was to get and abortion.

because i'm living under her roof and she would be the one caring for me and my child as long as i stayed under her care, i knew that the addition of another mouth to feed was not an all too  fun task that my mother was looking forward too. so i agreed to  go with the abortion.  c.j. was not all too happy about the decision, but he accepted (or so i believed) and tried to find the money to pay for the procedure.

now, when i said: "or so i believed.", i was referring to the part about c.j. accepting the abortion. i thought that he understood the circumstances and accepted the decision as i did. neither of us wanted it to be this way, but we both understood. that's what i believed... and my belief in that led me to the fact that i was dead wrong!

here's an aim conversation that made me realize that i was truly wrong to believe that he accepted it in the first place:

the person that i thought had my back through all of this just revealed to me that they weren't true to their word to begin with and i couldn't even begin to fathom what could of caused this complete change of mind from out of the blue! In that moment, thinking logically was not an option. All I could think about was losing someone that i truly loved, and i couldn't handle it. i couldn't let it happen. So, of course i changed my mind about the abortion, and I went back to my first decision of keeping the baby. i changed my mind in that moment, to try to hold on to him. i also changed it because i could not shake the fear of going through with an abortion... but it was mainly because of him:

well, my mom was not very pleased with that. so, i was kicked out and i went to be with c.j. his mother wouldn't allow me to stay in her house, so c.j. arranged for us to stay at an apartment of one of his friends until we could get a place of our own and our stuff together. we spent two days together.

being with c.j. for those two days made me feel confident in my decision, and i felt that i had made the right one. i believed everything he said about being there for me and making a better life for us and our baby. i could see us making it through all the hard obstacles that we would encounter in life, and i could picture our family in the future. i could see it all. and i had a doubtless confidence in him that i have never had in anyone before. not even myself. i felt safe, and secure. and i loved him even more. i was truly happy! i loved waking up and seeing his face in the morning and going to sleep at night knowing that i would wake up to seeing the same face that i loved so much just like each morning before.  they were the best two days of my life!

a lot of people called to try to make sense of what it was that i was doing, because no one understood. not only did they call to try to gain an understanding, but they also called to attempt to get me to sway away from my decision and rethink things. my mom called on the second day. i wasn't expecting her to be calling me anytime soon. i had only been gone for two days and i felt that the anger that she had would never allow her to make contact with me unless i chose to do so first. i called her the night before, and the way how that conversation went made me believe that that was indeed how things were going to be.

the thing that caught me off guard was the fact that she was crying.  she told me about how things at home weren't going well. the stated had sanctioned her case once again and that put on strain on things. a sanctioned case meant less or no food stamps which meant no food, and it also meant less or no monetary assistance which meant no rent to be made available to the landlord and landlady (who she was already having trouble with already), which meant that my mom would be forced to moved. she explained all of this to me, and told me that she needed me to come home. she didn't care if i kept the baby. she wanted something better for me and her grandchild, and she didn't want me to have to go through the challenges that she was currently facing.

in her voice, i sensed that she needed me. my mom is y best friend and although we have our moments, i will always be there for her. and this felt like a time that she needed me most. so, i went back home. with the intention to stick to my gun. i was going to go and help out and return to c.j. within a week to continue with our plans. well, that totally backfired in my face.

when i got home, my mom sat down and discussed with me all the pros and cons of my decision that i didn't even think to consider. she brought up the fact of what i would go through physically, mentally and emotionally. she brought the fact that c.j. has epilepsy and the possibility that our child may have epilepsy. she asked me if i thought about what i would do if that should occur. she also asked did i consider asking c.j. about his medical history. what if he has sickle cell trait? how strong is his epilepsy gene? what other medical conditions does he have? she also threw in the possibility if something going wrong during birth and my baby ending up with cerebral palsy.

then she went on to ask me what it was that i would do if c.j. were to leave me. she went on to tell me that most fathers don't stick around to watch their child grow to the age of five. then she asked me what it was that he was doing for his other child, and asked why it is that he was not allowed to see his daughter. she said that there had to be a reason for brooklyn's mother not wanting him to see her.

the topic of housing and source of income came up. the topic of how i was going to attend school came up.  that was already planned out and c.j. guaranteed to be there every step of the way.

everybody, including my mom, told me that i couldn't be dependent on c.j. and everything that he says. she told me that no matter what c.j. says or does, this baby will be dependent on me! so the question that i had to ask myself was: "am i ready to raise a child by myself?".  i let everything soak in and then i realized that the answer to the question was... no. i wasn't ready. i couldn't do it. i became scared. i became unsure, and i could not think to bring my child into a situation tat i was unsure of. it's not that i didn't trust or love c.j. it's just that i got to thinking that not everything in life is truly guaranteed.

i'm 18 and i can hardly take care of myself. i'm extremely naive and still have a lot of growing to do. i'm still in the process of learning who i am and of learning how to be independent for myself. if i couldn't take care of myself... how in the hell was i going to take care of a child? i couldn't! it's not possible! i would be raising a child when i'm still technically a child myself. my mind changed yet again, and i couldn't bear to tell c.j. but i plucked up the courage to tell him, and everything worked out just fine... or so i thought. c.j. said that he understood and that he apologized for what he said and he said that he couldn't leave me. after looking into my eyes for the past two days, he realized that he loved me too much. aww! how kayute right?... WRONG! 

after telling him about the abortion, he seemed kind of weird and even though he told me that he was okay and that he wasn't mad when i asked him... i could sense that something wasn't all too right. i wrote him a letter the next morning and called to tell him about it. he told me that things weren't going to work out and that he thought that we shouldn't talk anymore. it was what i expected. i  held my composure until he hung up. after that... the tears came non-stop and i swear that i couldn't breathe. that hurt like HELL! i didn't know what to feel. was i supposed to be mad? how can you be mad at something that you could see coming all along? you couldn't be! if you saw it coming from a mile a way, you either make the decision to move away or allow yourself to be bulldozed. you can't be mad if you get bulldozed because you got a fair warning that you chose to ignore. in the end, i felt disappointed and most of all, i felt hurt.

i cried and got over it for a while. i went the whole day in a kind of daze. i felt numb. the full effect didn't settle in until i went to bed and  realized how much i missed him lying next to me. i couldn't sleep, and so i decided to give him a call and hopefully talk things over. that was a HUGE mistake! i called him and this is how the phone was answered:

"why are you still calling him?" 

"don't call him no more you hoe!"

*click* (actually since it was a cellphone it was just dead air)

to be called a hoe and to be treated as if i was nothing more than just that hurt me to the core! i mean, i know that i'm no hoe. i've only been with one person (c.j. is my first... yeah... i know..  t.m.i *lol*) and i'm far too modest to be even remotely close to being compared to a hoe. but it still hurt. i guess the thing that hurt the most is the audacity that c.j. had to let me be treated in such a way. i didn't think that he would allow anyone to refer to me in such a way. together or not. i thought that he had that kind of respect for me. i called brian and he calmed me down and offered some words of advice and of course tried to put a smile on my face :) i felt somewhat better and went to sleep with my mind at ease. i decided to write another letter to c.j. and vowed it to be the last that he would ever hear of me. i sent it to his facebook and myspace. even if he didn't read it, it made me feel better to get somethings off my chest. while sending him a message on myspace.. i noticed that him and his crazy ex (samantha) were back together. the voice of the rude chick that answered his phone from the night before had been revealed. i was highly pissed and picked up the phone to give him a piece of my mind in th most colourful of ways! samantha once again answered the phone.

samantha: "hello" 

me: "may i speak to c.j.?"

samantha: "no you may not!"

"may you please stop calling this number?"

"stop calling him!"

"you hear me!"

*dead air* 

i was sooooooo fucking pissed that i threw my phone and cried until i made myself sick. wtf was going on?!?!?!? i couldn't believe any of this! why would he go back to the same girl that put him in jail (i don't think that i've explained that), busted out his car windows and put him through hell?!?!?!?!? wtf was wrong with him? i decided that the abortion was the best thing to do, and i went to stay with my dad for a while until things settled down.

as soon as i got to my dad's house and saw my big sis (misty), the tears came pouring down and i couldn't stop them. she hugged me and listened to my sob story and tried to persuade me to not have the abortion and told me that she would be there for me and would help me through this. i felt safe being there with my sister.

my younger sis and her bf (carlos) came to the rescue also. they opted to calling c.j. i told her that samantha (ironically, my younger sister's name is samantha *lol*) would answer the phone and there was no way that c.j. would talk to me. everybody came together to get c.j. to talk to me and everybody was there to support me. idk how they did it, but they eventually got sam off the phone. i finally got to talk to c.j. i finally got to get the opportunity to find out what in the world went wrong and why was it that i left to feel as if i was all alone in this situation that took more than one person to cause.

all i got out of the whole conversation was a bunch of fucking mumbo jumbo! nothing made sense! he wasn't giving a straight answer to anything, and i wasn't getting anywhere! he told me that it is what it is and what's done is done. it wasn't going to work out like he said, and leaving is the only thing that he's good at. i finally got to give a piece of my mind in the colourful way that i was trying to go for the second time o called him since we broke up. i was sooooooo pissed! i turned into a completely different person. but none of what i said seemed to get to him. then that's when it hit me. something was wrong with him. or at least that's what i felt.

i lost steam an started to cry. i asked him what was wrong and pleaded with him to tell me what it was that was wrong with me. he wouldn't tell me. that hurt me. i felt thta he didn't trust me and i soooo desperately felt the need to save him. i wrote him a poem telling him that i would always be there for him, and i told him that even now i still stood by everything that i said in that poem. if he ever needed me, i'd be there. and i felt that he needed me, but he kept pushing me away. there was nothing that i could do. we ended the conversation and i left him alone after that.

i got into a tussle with my mother when i decided to change my mind about the abortion again. the longer i waited to get the abortion, the more and more i felt the urge to run away. i didn't want to get the abortion, and i was not at all comfortable with going through with it. i wanted to keep the baby, but then i had everyone coming at me with what seemed like nothing but negativity and doubt, and i felt i had no support coming from anybody. began to doubt myself, and so i went for the abortion plan.

but then after my sister defended me and told me that they would be there for me to help with the baby, and after my friend (paige) told me that she would help in any way and told me about a center that could help, i felt confident in myself, and i believed that i could do it. my confidence was knocked down once again when  it felt as if my mom wouldn't support me in my decision.  i've always admired my relationship with my mother. and felt that this pregnancy would affect it in ways that would be breakable beyond compare. so, the abortion seemed logical and it seemed right. but i still wasn't completely sure. the appointment was finally made for saturday, july, 19th, 2008. and i was nervous about it. in between that time, c.j. got in touch with me.

he asked me if i read his vox, and it shocked me when he asked me that, because he has never written on his vox since we've been together. he was so anxious for me to read it. he decided to explain to me what he had written in hopes that it gave an explanation to why it is that it felt like my heart was splattered all over hell. he explained that he had been hurt in the past and that he found it hard to open up to people, and when he started to he felt the urge to run in fear of being hurt once again. he explained about what was going on with his family and his daughter and how it put a lot a stress on him on top of how how felt about me and the abortion. . after he had been hurt, he sabotaged evyer relationship that he ever had afterwards, and he was afraid that he would hurt me the same way. he told me that he felt as if he messed up my life and to prevent him from further screwing things up, he thought that leaving me was the best. the reasoning for him returning to same was because she's familiar to him. even through all the stuff they've been through he felt comfortable with her, but he realized that he couldn't stay in the situation that he was in. that wasn't what he wanted, so he left her. nobody is perfect, but he said that i was perfect in his eyes. he told me that he wasn't the same c.j. that i fell in love with and that i deserved someone better than him. i didn't know the real him. and i deserved someone better. i deserved someone that was going to treat me like the queen that i am. this is not the first time that he has told me that i deserved better. here comes the explanation for him being in jail....

c.j. was in jail for a week because of an assault charge. he smacked his ex girlfriend. the same crazy ex. most girls would've left him after finding that out. but call it crazy or whatever, i stayed by him. everybody brought up the possibility of him hitting me, but i wasn't afraid. i was at first, but i trusted him and so that fear faded away. the night that he smacked her, he told me that i deserved better. and i said: "if i thought that i deserved better, then i wouldn't be with him. only i know what i truly deserve." and that is the same thing that i told him whenever he told me a deserved better.

i forgave him. not completely. that's going to to take some time. we talked and we talked, and the topic of the abortion came up. he was cool with it. he told me that he was going to the air force to get out of toledo and better his life and he wanted me to come with him. even if i don't have the baby. he did tell me that he wouldn't pay for the abortion because he wouldn't take part in it. it's not something that he believed in, but he would try to do whatever it is that he needed to do to prove to me that he loved me. we continued talking and told me how much he missed me and how he enjoyed those two days together, and how he needed me. it felt good to hear his voice and i was happy. when we got off the phone i told him that i loved him... and he cried. i thought he was laughing, but he was crying. and that touched me.

he called me the night before my abortion and he was distraught. so much is going on with him, and it is really getting to him. it got to him that he told me that he couldn't take it anymore and he had nothing to live for. he didn't know what to do and he felt like everything that was going on with his family, and everything else was his fault. needless to say, he told me that he was going to kill himself. i didn't know what to do. i didn't know what to say. he said i love you and hung up the phone. i cried and tried desperately to call him. he wouldn't answer. i needed to someone to talk to i called my sister. and for the first time (in a long time) in my life, i took the advice of nate and prayed. i called him back a little later and he finally answered. i told him not to do it and he told me to give him one reason why he shouldn't. i gave him more than one. i gave him him two... me and brooklyn. he told me i was right.

i woke up the next morning feeling desperate to change my mind. i was unsure. and the events of lat night made me even more unsure. if i had the baby, i felt that i could give c.j. something to live for. i was changing my mind once again to hold on to him.

i couldn't go through with the abortion. i was there at the clinic, but i couldn't do it. i was told that i was 8 weeks along and that's when it hit me. the baby's heart has begun to beat already. it had a beating heart. something with a heart classifies as living to me and i couldn't kill a living thing. i left. my parents were furious, and i felt bad that i wasted $105. i eventually  apologized to my parents and got up the courage to tell them why i changed my mind... yet again. and we went over all the pros and the cons again and then i made the decision to go through with it. and this time, it was a firm decision. so i made another appointment and waited for the day of judgment.

the day finally came and i went through with it. it was the most horrifying experience of my life, and i hated it with a passion. during the whole thing, all i could do was cry. not because of the pressure and the pain, but because even though i was lying there on that table with my unborn child being sucked away from me... i was still unsure. and it was too late to go back. i went the rest of the day trying to erase the regret that i felt, but i couldn't the guilt especially set in when my dad came to me and revealed his true feelings of the whole thing to me.

the abortion hurt him in a way that i didn't think would. it hurt him to the core. he supported me in my decision to keep it. he never once tried to push me to make a decision. he cheered me on. but he never showed that support, and with that support.... i know that i would've kept the baby. i had at least one adult that believed me in me and that's all i needed. he wants me to do better in life than him. that's all he ever wanted from me. and he believes that i can do with. with or without child. he didn't approve of the abortion, and it hurt him. but he thought it was best, but felt that i could've made it even with the baby.

the decision to get an abortion was not fully my idea. i allowed my mom to push me into making it, but at the same time i made the decision on my own. i did feel pushed. i felt bullied. and that is even as i laid on that table, i still felt unsure. and so, now i sit here regretting the decision that i made. i regret it because i feel that i was pushed to make it.

indecisiveness is an extremely bad habit of mine, and i allow myself to be easily persuaded when it comes to hard decisions, and i guess it's because i don't trust myself. and when i do get the chance to make a decision of my own, i always have someone there to save me. sometimes i don't want to be saved! i have to ask myself at times who it is that i'm really living for. i live to please others because i hate to disappoint. i live for others because i always feel the need to save people. i carry around the burdens of others along with mine, and it's not an easy task to handle. i have a mind that i would like to speak, but i allow fear to hold me back. when i want to do something that i feel is right, i pull myself back because i worry about how others may think or feel. i claim to know who i am and what it is that i live for, but now what i use to think was me seems foreign. it's unknown. i don't know if this makes any sense at all. but this is ho i feel. i feel that live more for others than myself, and as much as i want to break away and just be me... i can't. i feel that people need me. such as my parents and my brothers. and i can't leave them behind. i am now in a situation of where i want to believe in myself, and learn to trust me.

this whole thing with c.j. is confusing. i want to believe everything that he say, and i want to go with him when he moves away. i want to be there for him, but  a lot of people tell me not to trust him. they say that he's playing me. they say that because i'm naive and sooooo trusting, i am an easy target for him to manipulate and use. they say that he he truly loved me he wouldn't have done what he did and he would be here trying to support you and meet you half way instead of you making all the moves and trying to make excuses for him. if a man really wants to do something, he would do it regardless.

i can't see c.j. being the kind of person that everyone makes him out to be, and i know that he isn't. maybe that's just me being naive and too trusting, but i know he's not perfect and he's trying to change his ways. i 've finally gotten to read is vox and it's confirmed most of what he said to me to be true, but some of what he said makes me wonder.

so, what am i to believe. do i believe c.j. and  follow my heart or do i believe and follow what others say and allow them to make my decision for me? only time will tell. actions speak louder than words, but sometimes you eyes can deceive you. you can be led to see what you want to see, and not what you're meant to truly see. he says that he will find a way to prove to me that he loved me and until then, i'll be waiting and i'm going to put my trust in him. i hope that my confidence in myself doesn't end up being just another regret in my life in the end. i think i've rambled on enough.  i've left out a few things but i think i got the gist of what i wanted to say out. it's 8:52 and i haven't been to sleep yet. i have a lot of things on my mind that i needed to write about. i need to be resting, but i can't seem to sit still long enough to actually get some rest in. well,

whoever reads this, i hope my rambling was clear enough for you to understand and i apologize in the advance for the long book *lol*

hope all is well :)

Show us something you've already accomplished on today's "To-Do" list.

Beat RE2 for the one-thousandth time!!!

RE2 Cover

2 comments

Show us something that makes you go "awwwwwwww."
Submitted by LittleWiseOne.

I like baby seals!!! They're soooooooooooooo KAYUTE!!!!

Baby Harp Seal

Show us a collection.

Pokemon Card Collection

This isn't my collection, but I do have a collection of Pokemon cards. And I still watch Pokemon from time to time too... I think I'm going to start adding more to my card collection too! *lol*

Show us something crooked.

Crooked House

What's on your "To-Do" list today? What are you most looking forward to and what are you most dreading?

Ebonni's To-Do List:

-Do the dishes

-Beat RE2 for the one-thousandth time (yeah... it's an old game, but i love it!)!

-Beat the season mode on NBA 2K8

-Take a nap!!!

-Eat!!!

-Take a walk

-Read!!!

-Listen to music!!!

-Sing!!!

-Do more boring stuf!!!

I'm most dreading the dishes... I don't like 'em!!! *lol*

What are some of the best(and worst) things about summer?
Submitted by L33tchica.

Best things about summer:

-Swimming!!!

-Going to the beach!!!

-Camping!!!

-Cute summer dresses/clothes and cute summer shoes.

-Warm summer nights

-Clear night skies (great for star gazing!)

-Bonfires

-S'mores!!!

-No school!!!

-Sunny days

-Thunderstorms (i love thunderstorms... not severe ones though *lol*)

-Catching lightening bugs!!!

-The sound of crickets!!!

-BUGS (i like catching bugs *lol*)!!!

-Spending time with family and friends!!!

-BBQ's

-Traveling/Vacations!!!

-Bike riding

-Sk8 Boarding

-Tag & Hide and go seek!!!

-Football, Basketball, Soccer, Dodgeball, SPORTS!!!!

-Fishing!!!

-I scream, You scream, WE ALL SCREAM FOR ICE CREAM!!!

-Feeling the wind blow through your hair while riding down the high way!!!

-Carnivals and fairs!!!

-Festivals!!!

-Fireworks!!!

Worst things about summer:

-Hot and muggy days

-No AC in the house!!!

-Severe weather

-Mosquitoes!!

-Sun burn!!!

-Hot car w/no AC!!!

If you knew you were about to lose your voice permanently, what is the last thing you would want to say?
Submitted by exer.

The last thing I would want to say is... I just saved a bunch of money on my car insurance by switching to Geico :P! *lol* But seriously, most people would tell people that they love them. But I would want to sing for the last time.  I love singing! So, if I knew I was about to lose my voice permanently, I would sing my little heart out until I do. I love my family and friends too, but I can tell them that I love them in sign language. I can't sing in sign language... well, I can. But it wouldn't be as much fun *lol*

What are your first thoughts upon waking?
Submitted by Cher Cabula.

My first thoughts upon waking up are thoughts of this dude ^_^!!

C.J.!!!!

2 comments

And coffee, food, music, if i should go back to sleep or not, and what the day will bring *lol*